Endless Life: Feeling Trapped

Note: I've been on hiatus from blogging for a while, but I am working on a few new entries. Thank you to anyone who might still check this blog :)

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At age 20, life can drag on and on. Actually life can drag at any age, when a person feels trapped.

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” – 2 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

When I was seventeen, the decisions of two individuals caused my social life to end within the FOC. Of course I realize that my own decisions, words, and actions over the months and years prior to this time led up to these little shunnings. But although I had said and done some stupid and hurtful things, I hadn’t committed any “unforgivables”. I just wasn’t lucky enough to be born at the right time, or into the right family, or whatever. The fact was I had suddenly become a pariah.

So for three years I lived in a state of essential, though unofficial, shunning. Almost nobody talked to me, except this one guy, J--, who verbally assaulted me every chance he got while everyone mutely watched/listened. For three years I went to the social events and talked to virtually nobody. Toward the end, I talked to a few other similar pariahs, but I never had a chance of social success after those two people decided to destroy me.

Those three years were an eternity. Can you imagine? Three years of attending church services twice weekly, without being greeted or spoken to, or in any way acknowledged. Three years of attending dances and home parties and decorating parties while being invisible. Three years of having no life outside of my family and work.

But other things happened during those three years. I went to work and had a fair amount of success in this aspect of my life. I was trained in every aspect of automotive office management: payroll, accounts payable, receivables, warranties, new and used car titling, and month-end reports. At age twenty, I was promoted to office manager, with a staff of older/more experienced employees reporting to me. Something else happened: guys asked me out all the time. Not FOC guys, of course, but worldly guys. I couldn’t believe that so many attractive, charming, successful men would want to date me after all the social silence I’d endured at the FOC. I didn't want to date the entire world, but it was just one more indication that the "reality" I experience in the FOC didn't check with reality elsewhere.

It came down to the decision to continue living as an invisible and unwanted recluse in my parents’ basement hoping that the years of loneliness would pass quickly and the reward (the possibility of salvation for all that sacrifice) would be real or bolt into unknown territory. Was this seemingly meaningless existence even worth it?

Just Keep Walking: A Lesson on Resisting Temptation

My daughter is a hoarder by nature. Sadly, she has a mother who purges her extra clothing, toys, and other nonessential items when things start getting too cluttered. Despite my best efforts, she has way too much stuff. And this is no thanks to her grandmother who likes to help her sneak stuff in the house. It's a constant battle.

One of this little girl's strongest temptations lies in those little coin-operated junk-made-in-China machines near the exit of stores. She always begs and pleads for some "cents" to put into those dispensers of worthless plastic. 

Tonight, I had to stop at Walmart to pick up a prescription (yes, I take them) and I was feeling awful, but the kids did not get that. They are little people with their own agendas. As I was waiting with my daughter at the pharmacy, she chattered about everything she wanted to look at and I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. I finally told her that I just wasn't feeling up to walking around the store and she acquiesced to leaving all her unfulfilled shopping desires behind and heading home.

As we neared the front of the store, I saw those colorful, glimmering sentries and I sped up to get through the doors ahead of the kids. And that's when the magic happened. I got through both sets of doors and was standing outside Walmart when I turned and saw both kids standing silently behind me. I was thrilled and shocked.

I looked at my little girl and said, "I am so proud of you for walking out the door without asking for coins! Thank you for doing that."

She said, "I wanted to ask, but I just kept telling myself, 'keep walking. keep walking'."

"I bet you don't want those things now that you can't see them." I said.

It made for a good discussion with both kids. Because temptations will plague us throughout our lives. I have lived long enough to know that what is tempting to some people is not at all tempting to others. I am not tempted to eat pastries, drink soda, or use drugs. But those are very real temptations to millions of others. I am tempted to sin every single day though. Sometimes I keep walking and sometimes I fail. 

But tonight was a good illustration and reminder: just keep walking. The farther away we get from our temptations, the farther we are from them. I'm no expert on addictions, but I'm going to remember this lesson for a long time. Just keep walking. 

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

The most interesting people are imperfect and unafraid to be real #plasticpeople #keepitreal

I recently described someone by saying, "I really look up to her." The responses? "That's pretty incredible because you don't look up to very many people."

The first thing I have to do right away is confess: my low self-esteem has resulted in the building of great, thick walls of false bravado. People who know me superficially  - the way the VAST majority of people do know the folks around them - may say that I am confident (those who like me) or that I'm a snob (everyone else). But the truth is that I'm neither confident nor snobbish. I often avoid social settings because I believe other people are annoyed by me. I don't trust myself to know and apply the rules of social etiquette.

But, I do have other reasons for disliking other people: they're fake (myself included). It's just too much work to make small talk with perfect, plastic, always-cheerful people. I'm sorry, but they're just not interesting.

The people I respect are unafraid to be real.

I don't like perfect people. I don't need someone to tell me all the platitudes and wisdom that pop into their heads unless it's in the CONTEXT of a hard-earned personal narrative.

I want to surround myself with people who have had real, imperfect lives, and have learned from their mistakes - or are in the process of learning/growing. I want to spend time with folks who are willing to be real about the ugliness of humanity and their less-than-stellar moments/days/years. 

Fire Insurance - Get Outta Hell Free Card

In September 2001, I still had what old Christians call a new believer's fire (pardon the pun). I was on fire for Jesus. It's something like the feeling of falling in love - a feeling of euphoria, single-mindedness. And I was newly in love - with Jesus. 

After 26 years of being told I'd go to Hell for this, that, and the other thing (most of which I had absolutely no control over); I had become convinced of the GOOD NEWS of Jesus - see Romans 6:23.

I couldn't believe I hadn't discovered this truth sooner! I wanted to share this love and security with everyone.

I guess I had a reputation at my office (I was then working as a technical writer) as an evangelist, bible thumper, proselytizer. 

So, when September 11th (2001) happened, some people wanted to talk to me about God. And one man, who practiced Hinduism, brought his wife and child to work to meet me and talk about Jesus. I told them about the path to salvation, invited them to church, and gave them a bible.

My coworker, the Hindu, thanked me for the bible and said he would put it in his home with his other holy items. Um, what? I asked him about the other items. And he informed me that he was going to add the bible to his Hindu items. This seemed very wrong to me. Sacrilegious. 

I told him that God is a jealous God and that we are only to worship Him.

Later that week I talked to my pastor about the situation and I was surprised by his advice. He said to lead any willing person to Jesus, and then let Him do the rest.

We can't get right with God before approaching God because we can't get right with God without God's help. 

Think about it.

You may not have another day, week, month, or year. You just never know when your time here is up. So, if I were you, I'd invite Jesus in. Maybe you think I'm wrong to say that avoiding Hell (fire insurance) is a valid motivation for seeking Jesus. But, I disagree. Go to Him under any circumstance. Let God do the rest. 

"Let It Go" Lyrics & Personal Application #Frozen

While I'm not big on television or movies myself, my seven-year-old daughter loves a good movie. Her first movie obsession - beginning about age two - was "The Little Mermaid". I think she watched that movie at least fifty times. She still loves playing with mermaid dolls in the bath. Then, about a year ago, she discovered "Gnomeo and Juliet" - a movie that I hope will spark her appreciation for Shakespeare one day.

The last few days, she's been watching "Frozen" on repeat mode. It's a well-made movie with some really good songs. One that moved me was, "Let It Go," by Idina Menzel. I'm printing the lyrics to this moving song here, along with my reaction below:

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

This song could easily be a symbol of my last years in the FOC - feeling isolated and stuck. My leaving - "no rules for me - I'm free." And, after many long years of working through the past and overcoming the records playing in my brain, this stanza says it all:

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

A Tiger Doesn't Lose Sleep

Are You a Christian Scientist or a Scientologist?

In the 1990s, I was a young adult, recently out of the FOC; yet, I didn't have a lot of ways of successfully relating to the world or explaining why I had some very odd attitudes, beliefs, and practices. Why hadn't I ever been to see a doctor? Was a Christian Scientist or a Scientologist? Well, neither.

I hadn't - at that time - even heard of such religions. I barely understood the difference between Judaism and Christianity. I learned not to share my differences with most people because it just led to questions I either couldn't answer, or didn't really want to talk about.

I don't really think about those other religions much - except that they share some practices with the FOC such as shunning ex-members and discouraging medical interventions. Christian Science actually has more in common with the Oregon City branch of the FOC than I would've imagined. Not only are they faith healers, who believe in the Bible - they also do not have ministers, but base their religion off the legacy of their leader's words (in the case of Christian Science, the published work of their leader). Like the FOC, many practitioners, children and adults, have died from medically-preventable ailments. Christian Scientists practice faith healing through consultations (in person or over the phone, where the practitioner / provider argues the illness out of the patient / parishioner. It is the only faith healing practice that qualifies for billing through medical insurance.

Scientology, on the other hand, is not based on the Christian religion. It was started by L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer, and was made famous by Tom Cruise. Scientologists believe people are immortal in that the essence of us lives on in nature. I haven't delved too much into researching their beliefs, but from skimming their website, they believe in striving to be the best they can be, spiritual enlightenment, etc. While many may believe that Scientologists practice faith healing; but, according to their website, they do take prescribed medicine and seek medical care with the exception of psychiatric medicine, which they believe to by harmful and sometimes deadly.

While I am no longer a faith healer, I do appreciate the basic belief. I believe in prayer with medicine - that God can heal and God can (and does) use medical doctors and medicine to help us heal. And, while I do not agree with most of the Scientology movement, I do appreciate the idea that psychiatric medicines are overprescribed and often not the best path.