Endless Life: Feeling Trapped

Note: I've been on hiatus from blogging for a while, but I am working on a few new entries. Thank you to anyone who might still check this blog :)

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At age 20, life can drag on and on. Actually life can drag at any age, when a person feels trapped.

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” – 2 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

When I was seventeen, the decisions of two individuals caused my social life to end within the FOC. Of course I realize that my own decisions, words, and actions over the months and years prior to this time led up to these little shunnings. But although I had said and done some stupid and hurtful things, I hadn’t committed any “unforgivables”. I just wasn’t lucky enough to be born at the right time, or into the right family, or whatever. The fact was I had suddenly become a pariah.

So for three years I lived in a state of essential, though unofficial, shunning. Almost nobody talked to me, except this one guy, J--, who verbally assaulted me every chance he got while everyone mutely watched/listened. For three years I went to the social events and talked to virtually nobody. Toward the end, I talked to a few other similar pariahs, but I never had a chance of social success after those two people decided to destroy me.

Those three years were an eternity. Can you imagine? Three years of attending church services twice weekly, without being greeted or spoken to, or in any way acknowledged. Three years of attending dances and home parties and decorating parties while being invisible. Three years of having no life outside of my family and work.

But other things happened during those three years. I went to work and had a fair amount of success in this aspect of my life. I was trained in every aspect of automotive office management: payroll, accounts payable, receivables, warranties, new and used car titling, and month-end reports. At age twenty, I was promoted to office manager, with a staff of older/more experienced employees reporting to me. Something else happened: guys asked me out all the time. Not FOC guys, of course, but worldly guys. I couldn’t believe that so many attractive, charming, successful men would want to date me after all the social silence I’d endured at the FOC. I didn't want to date the entire world, but it was just one more indication that the "reality" I experience in the FOC didn't check with reality elsewhere.

It came down to the decision to continue living as an invisible and unwanted recluse in my parents’ basement hoping that the years of loneliness would pass quickly and the reward (the possibility of salvation for all that sacrifice) would be real or bolt into unknown territory. Was this seemingly meaningless existence even worth it?

Day 16. Someone or something you definitely could live without #rejection #shunning

There are plenty of “someones” I can live without. I realized that when I was eighteen years old and nearly 100% of the someones I was “permitted” to associate with really wanted little or nothing to do with me. I discovered it again when, at age twenty-one, I married outside the FOC, and everyone I had known or loved up to that point shunned me.

So, to answer this question, let me just say this: I can live without ANYONE who would shun me or cut me out of their life. That’s it. And guess what? As much as I want people in my life, I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over people who clearly despise and hate me.

S: Stop

There has been too much sadness lately; and too much loss. If there is something we can do to help (and there usually is, even if it’s just a word of encouragement), we should do it. 

Here’s an idea: let’s stop. Stop saying mean things to people. Stop saying mean things about people. Step in and say something when you hear others badmouthing another human being. Do you think I’m talking about you? Maybe I am (I know that I’m also talking to myself). Please just stop and think before you do an unkind deed or say an unkind word to another person. Even if you believe they deserve your judgment. Even if you are sure that they deserve to be blackballed and shunned.

Don’t stand by and watch someone being bullied or hurt because they are different, strange, overweight, poor, or mentally ill. Do you know someone who is hard to love? That is the person who needs your love and care the most. Be that person.

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of these the least of my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Matthew 25:40

It’s hard to love people who are different from us. People who make choices we don’t understand or approve of. It’s not easy to keep praying for and offering help to someone who doesn’t seem to want to help themselves or make changes. It’s discouraging and frustrating and you will probably want to give up, but please don’t. Please don’t stop loving and caring for people. There is no greater purpose than loving the unlovable, sad, needy, helpless, mentally ill, and homeless.

Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not though away. Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray form them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Matthew 5:42-44

Please do not give up on yourself! Your life may feel bleak and hopeless, but I promise that you will not always feel this way. Do not give up hope. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, pray, and ask for help; you will be amazed at how many people care about you and are willing to help you.

A: Acceptance

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Romans 15:7

Have you ever been rejected for something out of your control? Have you been judged and/or shunned for something a family member or friend did? Maybe you were judged for being poor, wearing the "wrong" clothes, being uncoordinated, looking different, or some other random factor. That's not fair and that's not the love and acceptance we believers are supposed to give to the world.

You want to be loved and accepted by God and by others? Then show acceptance to others. If you do not approve of someone's choices, you will never influence them to know the love of Jesus by judging and rejecting them. 

In our church's homeless ministry, we have a saying: "love them 'til they ask you why." That means to love the unlovables, not by beating them over the head with scriptures, but just by showing them grace and acceptance. Another saying I've heard is this, "preach the gospel; if necessary, use words."

What if Jesus had shunned the homeless, prostitutes, thieves, and other sinners?

When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Mark 2:17

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Dear Readers, 

For the month of April, I've signed up for two blogging challenges:

                  &  

The A to Z challenge calls for a letter-inspired post each day, except Sundays through the month of April; and the Ultimate Blog Challenge calls for a daily blog post. I look forward to meeting these challenges and having some fun this month.

Push Your Way In

I was mopping the floor and had locked my dog in the bathroom so she wouldn’t lick the chemicals off the floor. She’s a three pound teacup Chihuahua and she will NOT be ignored. So I mopped the floor to the sounds of scratching and whining. That poor baby – ten minutes of neglect! But as I was working, I kept hearing the words “push your way in” in my memories.

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“Walter always said to ‘push your way in’.” My folks would tell me and my siblings when we were discouraged by being left out of the church cliques. Do you know how much it sucks to be told that you must select all of your friends and potential mates from just a few dozen people?

Most of my peers told me at some point (or several points) that they were told by their mothers to exclude me. I know of only one person (she was two years older than I) who acted on her own to turn people against me – and her case was driven by a misunderstanding.  Maybe she’ll read my book and finally understand what really happened. Maybe she carries no guilt over what she did and doesn’t care.

But it doesn’t matter to me at this point – I am actually glad for what she did, because it was the final kick in the butt pushing me outta there (although it took me three years from that incident to get the courage to leave).

I think of that group (the FOC) as a group of people who are stuck inside a big glass ball. The air holes are small and it’s hard to get out – but those tiny holes are conical to make it nearly impossible to get back in once you’re out. And that’s a good thing. There aren’t a lot of reasons for wanting to be there once you’ve gotten a little perspective. In fact, I can think of only one: being able to see and talk with your family members.

If you leave, you’ll be shunned. I’m so glad you’re staying because you WANT to be there or because you believe it’s the right thing to do. Push your way in? Into those gossipy little cliques whose parents were against you from the time you were born into the “wrong” family? No thanks. You can have your cliques.

I’ll take my freedom.

She Shunned the Wrong Sister

My sister Karin left church when I was thirteen. She was sent to live with my dad’s sister in California. The reasons were not explained, but I figured it out by snooping and eavesdropping. Like so much of our lives in the Followers of Christ, this event was controversial and used against us.

At thirteen years old, I had girls at church throw my sister’s life and choices in my face. One girl, whose dad had admitted to multiple extramarital affairs, informed me that her parents didn’t want her to be my friend because of my sister.

When I was seventeen I worked at the Oregon City Fred Meyer. Not a lot of Followers shopped in the store for groceries because we were supposed to buy our food at the W-B Food Mart, which was owned and run by Follower men.

But one day I saw a woman from church. She had been one of my sister’s best friends. I called out to her. For the sake of privacy, I will call her Danielle, but that is not her real name.

“Hi Danielle,” I called out to her as she walked by.

But she didn’t seem to hear me.

“Danielle,” I called louder this time. But she kept going.

I called her name several times and she never turned her head to look. I assumed she had really terrible hearing and went on with my life.

But a few weeks later, my sister-in-law told me that Danielle had heard me and had shunned me because she believed I was Karin. Yeah, Karin and I did look a lot alike and our voices are so identical that I can fool her children and my dad into thinking I’m her on the phone. But, seriously, a nod or simple hello would’ve been so simple. This woman really had to have a lot of self-control to act like someone calling her name was invisible.

That spring Danielle was a softball coach for one of our church’s women’s softball teams. And guess what? She picked me to be on her team. It was her way of making up for the mistaken shunning. I hated being on Danielle’s softball team. Looking back, I wish I would’ve just said that I didn’t want to play that year after all.

Unconditional Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Christmas day, 1994, Randy and I were home alone. Our first Christmas together. Twenty miles away, my parents, brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephews were celebrating Christmas. I didn’t expect to be included. I had made choices, and I was aware of the consequences.

We had shunned my sister, Karin, when I was in eighth grade. But we didn’t really shun her – not completely. My parents never shunned her. My brothers didn't speak to her for years, and I treated her like she was leper. But a few times a year my folks would take the younger kids (my youngest older brother and I) to visit my sister in California. And her kids. I loved those kids - still do.

Then the family shunned me, because I married the wrong person. I was twenty-one. My parents didn't shun me because I did the exact same thing they had done – Mom married my dad when he was a worldly person - but I wasn't included in the holidays that first year. Anyway, I didn’t do anything shun-worthy and my parents were smart enough to know that. My brothers eventually let me back into their lives as well.

My oldest brother left in 1999 and then my other two brothers and my parents left. We could be back together. Sort-of. Because two of the brothers were moving to Idaho. And there were years of hurt feelings and strain left in our relationships.

We weren't raised to give love unconditionally. We weren’t raised to believe in unconditional love from God. God would love us if we deserved it. But my folks loved us even though we didn’t always deserve it. My parents understood unconditional love despite that place.

I have my entire family and I love them unconditionally – though the strain is often still there. I am so glad to have discovered that Jesus loves me despite my sins. I am worthy because of Jesus. That is good news people.

I still fear Hell. I still obsess about it. I have been battling these thoughts and fears the past thirty-some years. They don’t just go away. Sometimes I have peace and sometimes I do not. I understand what the Bible says about grace, but those legalistic tapes from the past rear their ugly heads to put doubt into my mind. A friend pointed out to me how unreasonable my fears are.

She said, “That’s like saying to your own kids – I will only love you if you’re good, but if you’re bad, I will throw you out in the back yard and burn you to death.” Would I do that to my children? Never!

Think about how much you love your little children. God loves you MORE than that. Do you have loved ones you are shunning? If you, do, please think about if God would want you to treat them like that. 

I’m so grateful for my family. We’re not perfect – but I can call up anyone in my family and they will take my phone call! They will give me the time of day. The only valid reason I can think of for shunning someone is if they raped or murdered someone I loved. Seriously. If you want or need me in your life, I will be there. How sad that not everybody can say the same about their own children, parents, siblings, and cousins.

Frequently Asked Questions - Part 2

I appreciate all the thoughtful questions and comments people have posted and emailed this past week. This week, I respond to your questions. Please keep them coming - I love hearing from you!

Question: How do you as a "church" turn anyone away, didn’t Jesus die to save everyone? How are they any different than a person off of the street? If they are not baptized, what difference does it make? If someone wants to try to "follow" the Bible in the same fashion, how are they not allowed? Is that even legal? Seeing that a church is tax exempt, therefore needs to benefit the whole community

Answer: The “church” began to turn people away after Walter White died in 1969 because they believed his death marked the end of baptism and that anyone not baptized by that point had lost their opportunity. Walter had prophesied the end of time three years before his death (he believed his vision meant time would end in three years) but it was actually a prophesy of the end of his own life. The Followers continued on believing time would end soon. As time went on and the end didn’t come, nor did another “anointed” prophet appear, the belief spread that the children of the baptized people (and eventually grandchildren) were “born holy” because of their parents. The issue became a bit murky when some people adopted children from “the world” and that issue is not resolved. For thirty or so years, the church got away with disallowing outsiders, but it caught up with them and they lost their non-profit tax exemption.

Question: Do followers read the Bible?

Answer: It wasn’t emphasized when I was there. There are about two dozen Bible verses are important to the religion. The key verses, out of context and largely misinterpreted, that dictate the actions and beliefs of the Followers. Our Bibles consisted of the New Testament and Psalms only. And we were told that the only true Bibles were in King James Version. This was because of the verse in Revelation 22:19: “And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” I’m not saying other Followers were as naïve as me, but I always believed that English was the Biblical language. When I became a born again Christian and showed up to a family function (where members of the Idaho FOC church were also present) carrying my NIV Bible, I was cast as a heretic for reading a false Bible.

Question: I have heard of a few different people doing public confessions. What’s that all about?

Answer: This practice has disappeared. In the days of Walter White, I’m told he would preach about a specific sin and then call out people who were guilty of that sin during his sermons. Also when people were caught in sin they had to confess it from the pulpit and ask for the church’s forgiveness. This practice continued after Walter’s death until 1986 when the last church elder died and the church stopped having bible teaching.

Question: I'm curious, how long does the shunning happen? Months? Years?

Answer: I always thought it was a year, but my mom says that it could go on much longer and sometimes shorter, depending on the circumstances (including family influence). Sometimes people are intentionally shunned out of church. I write about this much more specifically in my memoir.

Question: Why not go blind too? Is it not Gods will if you have rotten teeth or poor eye sight?

Answer: Good question! Followers haven’t always gotten dental care. This changed when Walter was alive and he instructed the church to get dental care because it was the law for children. I have old photographs of men in the original group that came to Oregon from Idaho and there was one older man wearing glasses. I think that Followers don’t consider optometry to be medicine. It is seen more along the line of a walking stick or a wheelchair for someone who cannot walk.

Question: Is it okay for them to associate with us at work but not anywhere else?

Answer: Yes, Followers are allowed to be friendly with worldly people while doing business, but that ends when work is over. I’m sure they would stop and say hello to a work acquaintance if they bumped into you in public, but they would not invite you to their home or make social plans with you.

Question: But what about Jesus? What about His sacrifice on the cross for us... for all of us?? John 14:6 Jesus says that He is the only way to heaven...to the Father- His Father - God. Read all of the gospel of John to learn about who Jesus is.

Answer: The most important thing on this subject, from the FOC interpretation, was the conversation Jesus had with Nicodemus in John, chapter three. Followers believe that when Jesus says: “Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God (John 3:5)” that Jesus is referring to a water baptism, not our water birth. So thus, you cannot go to heaven unless you are baptized with water. Further, they believe you cannot be baptized except by a man who is called by God with miracles and signs to preach. Since there is no such person available to baptize people, there is no assurance of salvation.

Question: Are you still worried that you will go to hell because you left?

Answer: Yes, I worry about Hell. Not because I left, but because I was a part of that church to begin with. I spent my formative years convinced any misstep would send me to Hell and I’ve spent my adult years trying to reason, work, pray, and justify my way out. I know what the Bible says about Salvation, the Good News of Jesus. I believe it…I try to believe it…I want to believe it. But the voices of doubt and substance of my heritage haunt me.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

-1 John 4:18

Frequently Asked Questions - Part 1

I have gotten a lot of questions about the Followers of Christ throughout my life, both when I was attending and since. Here are some questions that come to mind. If you have more, please post them under the comments, or email them to me and I will answer them in a later blog.

Question: Since the Followers do not accept outsiders into their congregation, are they concerned about running out of potential mates for their children?

Answer: No, they are not worried. Followers are allowed to marry cousins, as long as they are at least second cousins. It's not unheard of for a girl to keep her maiden name because she has married someone with the same last name. A side note, some worldly people think the Followers are called “kissers” because they are kissing cousins, rather than the practice of the “Holy Kiss.”

Question: Are the number of childhood deaths increasing due to the shallow gene pool.

Answer: Maybe. I haven't gathered genetic samples and run tests. More likely, the number of childhood deaths are more visible due to more recent legislation and news coverage, not actual increasing numbers.

Question: If a Follower decided to become a doctor, would it be OK to go to him/her? Seems like trusting your own to aid in your own health care would be allowed?

Answer: If a Follower decided to become a doctor, he/she would not be welcome at church – the heretic!

Question: Do the midwives have any training? If so, who trains them? Do they sign the birth certificates?

Answer: Yes, they have practical training. They have to have given birth themselves. They also have to help at a set number of births before they can be an official midwife. No formal training though – and many do not have even a high school diploma. They do sign the birth certificates. In the box labeled hospital, it says “Followers.”

Question: If there are no ministers or Bible teaching, what are church services like?

Answer: Every Sunday morning and Thursday evening, the women and young children enter the sanctuary and sit according to their life situation (by age and gender for children, the newlyweds sit together, new parents sit near the back so they can take their babies out if they cry, after this life stage, people sit near relatives and friends). When it is time for church to start, all the men file in and find their wives to sit by them. The piano player sits at the front at a grand piano (the pulpit is deserted, though it is set up just like it was when there were men to teach and preach). If there is an announcement to be made – someone needs prayer, someone needs care, there is an upcoming wedding, etc – one of the five men who are appointed as the church leaders will make the announcement from the microphone near the piano. The piano player announces a song number and everyone stands to sing all the verses of the song. Next the congregation kneels at their benches and prays silently for two minutes. Everyone takes their seats, and eight more songs are announced and sung. The piano player will announce, “last song,” and everyone stands to sing the last song. The men file outside to talk amongst themselves and the women and children stay inside to socialize. That's it. Takes about twenty-five minutes start to finish.

Question: When a Follower is taken to the hospital from a car crash, do they get shunned?

Answer: No, church members come and visit them and pray for them. When I was a kid, I remember a really bad crash where an older lady broke something like twenty bones. The doctors gave a very poor prognosis, but we all prayed, and the next day, the bones had miraculously healed. The doctors said they had never seen anything like it. Incidents like that really reinforced the idea that God was on our side, and doctors/hospitals were irrelevant at best, but more likely harmful and deadly.

Question: Why won't Followers talk to the media and defend themselves for their beliefs and practices.

Answer: One of the biggest rules is to keep our business private. We are convinced that anyone who talks to outsiders about our religion is a heretic and blasphemer. Even those who leave often live the rest of their lives in fear of breaking this rule not only for their own soul, but for the social repercussions of the relatives they left behind who are still in the church.

Question: Do you regret leaving? Are you in fear of your immortal soul for going public with this information?

Answer: I do not regret leaving. I do not believe I am sinning, or wrong, by going public with my experiences and opinions. My writing is meant to be informational, helpful, and enlightening.

Question: When will your book be finished?

Answer: I have another six months of writing left before I go into the editing and rewriting stages. All final edits will be complete by this time next year.

Question: How does your family feel about your blog and memoir?

Answer: They haven't disowned me yet.