Day 26. Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? #suicide

Never seriously. I have had some dark days – the most pronounced when I experienced two miscarriages in just a few months’ time (I wrote about that experience in May in the blog post titled “Lost Babies”).

I could never consider ending my own life primarily because my children need their mother and I wouldn’t / couldn’t abandon them. Secondarily, and not incidentally, I have a serious and sometimes debilitating fear of Hell, and would expect an expedient and irreversible one-way pass to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks if I were to make that choice. Please understand that I’m not judging others or stating what I think anyone else’s final fates / destination to be. I also wrote about this subject in January in the blog post title “Thou Shalt Not Kill Thyself”.

Have YOU ever considered giving up?

Praying for the Warren Family

You have probably heard by now that the best-selling author and mega-church evangelist Rick Warren's son, Matthew, took his own life this past Friday.

You can read the story here on NBC News.  You can also learn more about Rick Warren and his ministries here on his website.

Rick Warren's books and teaching have impacted my own faith and Christian walk and I want to honor his family today by asking my readers to pray for and support this grieving family.

Come to me, all ye that labour and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Thou Shalt Not Kill Thyself

If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.

1 Corinthians 3:17

Recently two of my colleagues wrote about how suicide has impacted their lives. You can read Rob Greene’s story here and Daren Rome Leo’s story here.

I always believed that suicide was a mortal sin. An instant ticket to H-E-double hockey sticks. A story that had been passed down to me from my elders was of the funeral of a Follower who had committed suicide.

Follower funerals are a bit different than those of outsiders, in my experience. Most church members make the trip to the funeral home to view the corpse of the deceased either the day before on the morning of the funeral.

All church members are invited and expected at funerals. If a funeral falls on a weekday, a lot of the men will miss it because they cannot get away from work. All the Follower families drive to the Carus Cemetery, park their cars and gather around the designated gravesite. There are several seats put out for immediate family members. Everyone else stands in a large, multi-layered semi-circle and waits for the funeral procession. When the hearse arrives, the noise and chatter quiets down. Once the coffin is in place, everyone crowds in closer to hear what’s happening.

Church men sing a few hymns picked out by the family. Every memorial flyer includes the twenty-third psalm, the names of the pall bearers, and the names of the hymns. After the very short service, church members drive to the church for a potluck.

The lore that followed the suicide was that during the service people heard the sounds of burning, and crackling. The sounds of Hell. I’m not sure who the funeral was for, it was before my time.

There were other folks who, sadly, took their own lives in our church. They were still buried in our cemetery paid for by the church, but everyone assumed they knew their destiny.

I’ve researched the sinfulness of suicide and haven’t found anything definitive or explicit. I don’t say that to encourage anyone to do it. It’s not a good risk. Many people say that suicide is selfish, and that makes sense. The “victim” is stealing something from his/her loved ones.

Maybe suicide can be seen in another way: it is a statistical death sentence for a certain percentage of mentally ill folks. Like saying (and I’m making these stats up) that 15% of cancer sufferers will die of cancer; 25% of clinically depressed people will die of depression. That’s not exactly fair, since cancer deaths are not choices.

I don’t have an easy answer about this. But, if you are considering taking your life, please don’t. Please talk to your family about it. And if you can’t talk to them, call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

I'll Drink the Cool-Aid!

Earlier this evening (August 29, 2011), someone responded to my blog by posting this comment on one of my Facebook groups:

“interesting.. since I don’t belong to your cult, I am going to hell? dude thats f--ed up!! will you drink the punch if asked too?”

This is my response: yes, you're going to Hell and yes, I will drink the punch.

In middle school (mid-1980s) we have the Rajneeshee cult here in Oregon. It is a big deal on the news. Many of their members wear red and we all joke that our vice-principal is a member because she has a red suit she wears once a week.

In high school I write a paper about the Jonestown cult. I know what a cult is. I have even heard it whispered that the Followers are a cult. But it doesn’t matter what we’re called. This is the only truth I know.

There are two ways to get into heaven and I would take either one without blinking an eye. The first is to be baptized by a prophet. Since the last living prophet died four years before I was born, I am stuck with door number two: martyrdom.

People want to know why the Followers allow their children to die. Why not take them to a doctor? Let me tell you why: we are told that the only option we have to absolutely ensure salvation is martyrdom.

If a woman dies in childbirth, it has been proven (I cannot give the details of this proof here because I want you to read my memoir) that she is assured salvation. If a child dies and his family has the faith and trust to allow God’s will to be done, then that child is also on his way to the streets paved in gold.

I don’t know if you can understand this, but fear is a powerful thing. I do not want to go to Hell. If there is a temporary suffering – even if that means two days of hard child-birthing followed by a slow and painful death with my baby still unborn – I choose to take that route over an eternity of Hell Fire and Damnation where there will be weeping an gnashing of teeth. If watching my two year old child die because she needs an insulin shot will mean she gets a free ticket in, well, thank God I am not faced with that choice. We all know that God sent His son to die a horrible death. God even asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Why should our children be spared?

I think about Hell all the time. I obsess about it. I imagine the day I am thrown in. I picture the weeping and gnashing of teeth. I’m not sure what gnashing is, but I think it involves a demon bashing my teeth in with a sledgehammer; new teeth replace the old and the process repeats for all of eternity. I suppose this teeth bashing happens inside a pool of boiling lava. My skin melts off and regenerates in endless torture.

            So, yes, if drinking the punch keeps me out of Hell, then bottoms up, baby!