Still Struggling with #Pride

I am plagued by doubts about my salvation. I cannot be good enough. I do not deserve salvation. I do not deserve grace.

I know that other people can accept that free gift, but I am convinced that I must earn it or at least be worthy. 

Maybe I am not chosen by God for salvation. 

Or, maybe I was chosen, but I have wandered too far from the straight and narrow.

Is it too late?

I am trying to believe.

I am trying to have faith.

I am trying to repent. 

I am trying to change my thoughts, words, actions, and beliefs.

I am trying to accept God's grace and forgiveness.

I really am trying to figure this out. Maybe I'm trying too hard.

I Am Smart. I Am Strong. I Am Independent. #seekinggod

I just spent an hour at the gym and I came home feeling GREAT! Thirty minutes on the elliptical, 2 sets of 15 reps on all the weight machines. I am walking on air! I can conquer anything! 

Oh, and have I mentioned in the past ten minutes my collection of advanced degrees? How many countries I've visited? My IQ? The number of books I read each week?

If you know me in real life, I probably have.

You can probably tell that I struggle, really struggle, with pride. Satan's sin of choice. That's me: SO important. SO smart. SO independent. 

And, really, to be honest: so lost.

I read the Bible, but it doesn't change who I am. It doesn't make me a better person (how could it when I already think so highly of myself?).

I go to church and Bible study, but it's more for education (or entertainment) than for worship.

And I feel so far from God.

Tonight, two people came to my mind. Two people I think are "weak" and emotionally fragile. Not me. Nope. No way - I have it all figured out. 


But, wait....maybe being weak isn't the worst thing that could happen to me...

It's time to be honest: I have hit a "wall" in my faith - well, I likely have been walking around this wall for years - and I am ready to find my way THROUGH it. 

Prayers would be welcome.

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:10

Pride and the Power Trip

And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.

Mark 9:35

I recently received an email from a student which read: “I need you to gather together all of my missing assignments and get back to me on what is outstanding.”

I had a number of issues with this message. My first response was, “Excuse me?” The email just rubbed me wrong. Like I was the student’s secretary. Um, no. That’s not my job (number one). What makes you think I’ll accept late work (number two). And, keep track of your own self (number three)…I think you get the point. I didn’t reply for several days.

I wanted to respond. Well, sort of. I want to be helpful and I want my students to succeed. But, golly gee. Can you not show some respect?

I thought about my own undergraduate professors from Portland State University. What would their responses have been? I could imagine certain profs laughing and slamming the door (this was before we used email) in my face for such a bald-faced demand. But then I thought of my favorite professor and I believe she would’ve looked past the (unintentional) slight and tried to help the student – a first semester freshman. So I compromised and sent a short reply which parroted my syllabus – only less helpful.

Then I went to church and listened as the pastor preached about the attitude of serving. And certain bible verses came to mind – convicting me of my own attitude. Let the leader become like one who serves. If you want to be great, be a servant of all.

And I am a servant. It is my job to teach, not to sit (stand) on a pedestal. Not to be revered as the source of knowledge – but to help my students learn to become better writers, grammarians, and learners. When I taught high school, my students called me by my last name – out of respect (maybe), but also because I would’ve flipped out at them if they had tried calling me by my first name. As a college instructor, I want my students to use my first name. They are adults and “respect” does not need to be demanded of them (it is either there, or it isn’t).

So, I was convicted of my sin – the big one: pride. The devil’s sin: wanting to be superior. It is wrong. I humbled myself (I need to do that often) and approached the student from her perspective – she needed help from me. She also needed me to help her learn to communicate, and that’s my job.

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Do you see what I’m suggesting here? Do you get the implications? If you use your position (this includes your gender) to try and prove that you are “superior” to others, you don’t get it. If you are the leader, you must be willing to serve.

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” – Margaret Thatcher

What Does God Hate?

Y-E-S! My month of daily blogging is officially over! Thirty-one daily blogs - now, I need a nap! It’s been a great experience, but it will not be continuing. I am officially done (until the next challenge). In February, I will blog on Sundays and Wednesdays only.

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In response to yesterday’s blog featuring the Christian Democrats of America’s song “What are Your Values?” and the line that said, “if it is hate, it is not of God.” I had someone tell me that there are things that God hates. So I would like to explore the things (not people) God hates here:

 

These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:

A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,

An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,

A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

Proverbs 6:16-19

1. A proud look: Pride – the devil’s sin. I think many of us struggle with this. We get a little bit of power or accomplishment and we think we are better than. Some say, I work hard, why should I pay more taxes than those who earn less? We see a homeless person holding a cardboard sign and mutter, “Get a job!” Someone struggles with a sin that is not a temptation for us and we feel superior. A woman has to work to keep her family off welfare and people say, “A woman’s place in is the home.” I struggle with pride at times myself. Being humble and away from judging others is a constant struggle.
2. A lying tongue: not just the big lies. Most people become comfortable telling little white lies. Nope, there are no “little” sins.
3. Hands that shed innocent blood: this one is a no-brainer. Everyone I know – whether believer or atheist agrees that murder and violence are wrong.
4. An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations: I’m not sure what this is exactly. But I would venture that it can be a lot of things: holding a grudge, lustful thoughts, bitterness, hatred, etc. all those impure thoughts we have to battle against. There have been many – MANY – times when I have abstained from taking communion at church because of my feelings toward another person – lack of forgiveness, anger, etc. Keeping the mind pure and godly is a struggle many of us face.
5. Feet that are swift in running to mischief: Do I sometimes say things to get a reaction? Guilty. I tell myself, “I’m just being honest,” but that’s not always my only motivation. What are some other ways feet can run to mischief? Probably many…but I would love to hear from readers some examples ….
6. A false witness that speaketh lies: ever heard the saying “snitches get stitches”? Yes, me too. I’m the youngest of five kids. I learned early not to be a tattle-tale. But tattling and bearing false witness are not the same. If something is wrong, speak up. If you are asked what happened, tell the truth! If you are summoned to appear in court, don’t come up with creative ways to avoid bearing the whole truth. If you see an injustice, don’t look away. People are depending on you to do what is right.
7. And he that soweth discord among brethren: are you afraid to ask questions about God? Asking questions because you want to discover the truth is not sowing discord. Judging and shunning someone who seeks the truth is sowing discord. Why can’t we have an open, honest search for God’s truth? Nothing is more important than this. But, this may be related to those who spread gossip about other believers. People who cast judgment on others – you’re not God, you’re not the Holy Spirit. If you need to address an issue of sin, do it directly by speaking love into that person’s life. Sowing discord is gossiping behind someone’s back.

What do you think of these things? What can you add? I would love to hear your thoughts.

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On another note: I’d like to wish a happy birthday to my big sister – in our adult lives we’ve become good friends and I’m so glad she’s in my life. I love you Karin J