Men First

Imagine the scene. Women and girls have worked hard to prepare their best dishes for the potluck. They’ve arranged these delicious offerings on nice serving trays and together, dozens of women have set out stacks of plates, silverware, napkins, and cups. Multi-gallon pots of coffee are brewed. Everything is set up. Time to eat.

Men and boys rush to line up and pile food onto their plates. They take their heaping plates to a table and wait for their wives to bring them coffee. Other men crowd in with plates of their own.

Where are all those women who have prepared this feast? Where are their daughters, who’ve eagerly helped? They stand back until all men and boys have helped themselves and taken the best seats. Some women bring cups of coffee to the men.

After the men and boys are served, seated, and eating; the ladies begin to line up. The food is getting cold, the favorite dishes are running out, and the seats at the tables are taken. That’s okay, because they’re not expected to sit with their menfolk to eat. A woman sitting down at a men’s table would be scandalous.

I didn’t think it was odd. I certainly didn’t like it, but like so many other rituals which were set up in favor of men and boys, I had no power to change it. It just was.

Now imagine what potlucks and church events are like outside the FOC. Women and men prepare food to share – mostly women, but many men enjoy cooking and happily add their best dishes to the feast. When it is time to eat, and leader calls everyone to attention and prays for the food. Then people line up and fill their plates. People are not segregated by gender, though sometimes by age. Elderly folks are often invited to go first, or children. But I always get my food with my husband – not for him (he likes to serve himself), and certainly not after him. And we sit together. He would hate to be forced to sit at an all men’s table. How boring!

“…but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; and whosoever be chief among you, let him first be your servant”

Matthew 20:26-27

It's Great to be a Follower (if you're a man)

How can siblings grow up experiencing life so differently? I have four older siblings, but two of them (brothers, both) claim that my memories and attitude towards our childhood are off-balance. They remain loyal to the Followers, though they have been out of the church more than ten years.

So, I’d like to know what it is that I get so wrong. Like some of my anonymous critics, they have no examples. It’s more of a feeling. One of my brothers says, “It was a great way to grow up. We were safe and protected. There are a lot of good things about that church.”

Yep, there are a lot of good things about the Followers. Of course there are. And there are mostly well meaning people in that church body.  But my experiences were much different than my brothers’.

What if two young men were born in a palace, one a prince and the other a servant? Would these two men have different experiences, memories, and feelings about their childhoods? I say yes. We were raised in an incredibly sexist environment, where it was much easier and better to be male. Men/boys have more worth, their opinions mean more, and they can get away with much more. They do all the asking (for dates and marriage), they make all the decisions.

That’s not really the point – not the whole point. I also feel loyalty towards the Followers. I feel a sense of responsibility to them, to come out and tell the truth. Just get it out there and let insiders and outsiders make their own conclusions.

It's dangerous to take Bible verses out of context. The Bible consists of 66 books and you can bend it to mean anything you choose by taking a few words out of context of the entire work. I believe the legalism to which Follower men are so concerned about when they question other churches who may/may not have women praying in church comes from a letter to the Corinthians 1:Cor 11:13. This specific group was arguing over the old (Jewish) tradition of women wearing hats in church and the gentiles who did not. Paul concluded that women should have long hair as a covering when they pray - certainly not that women shouldn't pray. 

Here's something to consider (there are many more examples I can provide to you about the roles women played in churches. Ever heard of Phoebe? A woman minister, whom Paul commends [Rom 16:1]):

"And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams" - Acts 2:17

To cut women out of participation in spiritual matters is only a good idea if you want your women to conclude that, "if religion doesn't include me, it must not apply to me."

A Letter to Me

If I could write a letter to my sixteen-year-old self, this would be it...

July 8, 1989

Dear Suzanne,

Happy Birthday! You have recently experienced your first kiss and you are now with your first boyfriend. It will be an emotional year for you and next summer, you will have your heart broken. Learn from the experiences. Do not pin your hopes on him. He is looking for a wife to cook, clean, and care for his children. When you tell him you want to go to college, he will look at you like you are an alien. He doesn't want an educated wife. None of the boys in that church want an educated wife.

Mom has always advised you to play down your intellect around boys. Make them believe they are smarter than you. You should listen to most of what she says, but ignore that advice. You do not want a man who can't handle the real you.

Some day you will graduate from college and graduate school and become a teacher and a writer. Don't waste your high school years taking home economics. Take academic classes. Apply yourself. Apply for some colleges and scholarships. When you are eighteen, you will be able to leave and attend college. When they try to stop you, apply for emancipation. Ask one of the high school counselors for help. If they cannot help you, ask a college counselor.

You are disappointed that you cannot participate in extracurricular activities and sports. That's sad, but use your extra time to write, read everything, and plan a better future.

Read the Bible. You are only allowed to read the King James Bible, but go ahead and buy an NIV Bible and read it when nobody's looking. Keep it hidden. And pray for wisdom. When you leave home, find a community church and learn about God's love. Join to a college-aged Bible study. God loves you and has a plan for your life. His plan does not include staying in that church and being ignorant and subservient.

Do not marry for freedom. That's stupid. Do not marry someone because he can give you a better life. You can make a great life for yourself. Be independent. Fulfill your God-given destiny. Pray for God to provide the right man to be your husband. Marry a godly man that you are madly in love with. Listen to the older people in your new church. Learn from them.

Your world seems so small and limited. You think being born female means you have no choices. You think God loves you less, you are not important. But, you're wrong. Just wait.

Love,

Me